It’s Not Just Who You Know: Transform Your Life by Turning Colleagues and Contacts into Lasting, Genuine Relationships

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  • ISBN13: 9780307589132
  • Condition: New
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Product Description
In It’s Not Just Who You Know, Tommy Spaulding—the former CEO of Up With People—has written the new How to Win Friends and Influence People for the twenty-fist century. Success—in business and in life—is all about relationships.  In this powerful guide to reaching out to others, Spaulding takes Dale Carnegie’s classic philosophy to the next level—how to create lasting relationships that go well beyond mere superficial contacts and “second floor” r… More >>

It’s Not Just Who You Know: Transform Your Life by Turning Colleagues and Contacts into Lasting, Genuine Relationships

5 Comments For This Post

  1. Scott S. Lynn Says:

    This book captures the importance of being authentic in our business relationships, and does so in a honest, open and heartfelt way. The popular view of many “achievement” type books encourages us to take what we can get from business relationships, while this book encourages us to give what we can. The stories from the life of the author are shared in an intimate manner, while commnicating well the message he sends. A business oriented book you will enjoy reading, and gain a great deal from!
    Rating: 5 / 5

  2. Dierdre Cook Says:

    I read a lot of books on leadership, in fact I have a Ph.D. in leadership — and this is the best book I have read in years. Tommy’s stories are heartfelt links to success for everyone. If you want to be inspired, motivated and transform your life and that of your organization — READ THIS BOOK. Tommy Spaulding is changing the world — one relationship at a time.
    Rating: 5 / 5

  3. Josh Charlesworth Says:

    Oh my goodness did this book make me think. I’ve grown up hearing the ‘it’s not what you know, it’s who you know’ and so initially found it somewhat difficult reading this book as Tommy Spaulding’s views challenged many of my preconceived perceptions.

    So that said what’s the book all about:

    Simply its about building meaningful relationships. It’s about giving and contributing, without expecting anything in return. Its about taking an interest in people. Tommy Spaulding shows you how important relationships are and how they can truly change and imporve your life by letting you into his world, sharing his life experience with you. Spaulding delivers his message by discussing and ranking levels of relationships i.e. level 1 is talk about news, sport and weather to level 5, in which you have true, unconditional friendships. The book is easy to read and understand.

    I bought this book based on previous reviews and I have to say, I wasn’t disappointed with my purchase. Spaulding draws on his own experience, from his youth through to being a CEO of one of the world’s largest non-profit organisations to running his own companies, providing real examples of how to contribute and make the world a better place. Furthermore, he doesn’t profess to be perfect and talks about his own pitfalls and how he has changed his outlook for the better.

    Throughout the book Spaulding returns and discusses the key theme – building meaningful relationships. He suggests doing this will in turn not just make you a better person but likely lead to you being more successful in whatever it is you do.

    When I first read this I thought no problem, I have friends, I network, i do all this but Spaulding suggests the opposite, stating networking is about building a relationship with the view ‘what’s it it for me’ i.e. network with someone to get a better job. Spaulding believes these are shallow and at times destructive relationships. Instead he makes you question your lot in life and how you actually engage people, promoting the importance of listening and taking an interest in people, finding out what their goals, fears, likes and dislikes are. Sounds so simple.

    Now I’ll be honest there were parts I questioned, parts I had to put the book down and walk away and other parts were I couldn’t stop reading. It’s that sort of book – thought provoking. Spaulding believes taking an interest in people (and a genuine interest),whether it be in customers, employees etc can and does lead to success. He doesn’t just say this, he provides support for these assertions through current companies and his own life. He is also realistic and provides an example of where his grandfather told him ‘people don’t think like this’, ‘it’s a dog eat do world’. Spaulding acknowledges this and discusses this in detail, providing some advice to prevent being taken advantage of etc.

    What I really liked?

    I really enjoyed chapter 2, in which Spaulding discusses how he was awarded a significant scholarship, largely as a consequence of taking an interest in a bartender, when those he was up against didn’t. This innocuous looking relationship changed his life significantly, providing him with opportunities he wouldn’t have been afforded otherwise.

    Secondly Spaulding’s discussion about how business isn’t just about how much money I can make. It’s much more than that. I found this view refreshing.


    I found this book everything the author promised and more. You may not agree with everything said, I know I didn’t at first, but it is thought provoking and inspiring and causes you to re-consider how you approach your relationships (personally & professionally) and how you can be a better person and still be successful.
    Rating: 5 / 5

  4. D. Kanigan Says:

    This book is part self-help and part autobiography. Spaulding explains how to define relationships that matter – how to create relationships that matter – and how to grow relationships that matter. The power of his story is in his authenticity – for example, disguising his inability to read in school because of dyslexia – “I’d feel a deep-rooted shame as my peers fought to hold back their giggles and stares and embarrassment…I didn’t want people to see me as the “dumb” kid who could barely read. I had to prove that I wasn’t a stupid dyslexic…But my own battles with self-doubt at times felt like more than I could bear. Even when the other kids said nothing, I knew that they knew, and that was bad enough…”

    Spaulding developed hundreds of relationships through the years – which have helped him grow from a “doubt filled adolescent who survived largely on the hopes that others would like me, into a confident leader who has learned that the power of relationships is not in what those relationships can do for me, but in what they can do for others. That’s the measure of true success.” Spaulding is clearly wired as “extrovert” in his DNA. He has a heightened ability to communicate with and connect to other people. Introverts would have to dig deeper to have similar success or effectiveness.

    Section 1 and Section 2 (The first half of the book) carried the most punch – he outlined his personal history, his relationship approach and how to build relationships. I found the 2nd half of the book to be a bit long in the tooth (power of this relationship approach, maintenance & growth approaches and purpose). That being said, this an important non-traditional book on the topic written by a master “craftsman” on the subject that I would recommend to anyone in a for-profit or non-for-profit environment

    He defines relationships as having 5 Floors:

    * First Floor (NSW-News, sports, weather; transactional in nature)

    * Second Floor (share some personal info; positional authority at work; casual relationship and acquaintances)

    * Third Floor (emotional comfort level beyond facts – share opinions and feelings – learn about lives of co-workers; peers who interact at work)

    * Fourth Floor (common interests, goals, belief and causes – have learned to work through conflicts – share vulnerabilities and openness; mentors and good friends; close colleagues)

    * Fifth Floor (shared empathy; literally “feel” the other person’s state of mind – become confidants, advisors, and partners in helping the other person reach their potential; your closest and most intimate relationships

    Spaulding explains that the key to creating a rich network of relationships is understanding this deep and basic truth: motives matter. If all we care about is using others to advance our career and our net worth, our relationship will have no lasting value. It may work for a time, or in a few specific situations, but the foundation on which you build your relationships will be unstable, the the relationship ultimately will collapse – likely when you need it most.

    1)Start with doing research that helps you decide where to focus your time and energy.

    2)Before diving into sensitive personal questions, first develop rapport – get to know the other person by asking simple non-intrusive questions – patiently explore deeper ground together.

    3) New relationships start with basic, but you advance them by focusing on less obvious personal information that’s not found on business card. Examine your relationships to find out the hopes, dreams and interests of the people in your life.

    4) Engaging in your community by volunteering provides opportunities to strategically meet people you need to know and lay foundation for long term meaning relationship (around common interests).

    5) Building a relationship begins by focusing on your genuine, sincere attention on the other person. It’s not about you. Take your time. Get to know the other person. Don’t push for things you might want; figure out what they need.

    6)”Chirping birds” are out for their own self-interest. It prevents them from building meaningful relationships based on a position of authenticity and trust. Life as a chirping bird might produce short term results but it ultimately will damage your relationships and divert your path from real success.

    7) If you are building a relationship with someone, you’re also building a relationship with people important to that person (spouse, kids, etc). What they think of you matters. How you treat other people says a lot of who you are.

    8) Find unique consistent ways to stay connect to new relationships. When they hear from you, especially in personal ways, they’ll know you care. (Cards, articles, clippings).

    9)Goals with relationship chess is simple: to help and serve people. When people come across my name, I want them to mark me down as a Giver, Not a Taker. That only happens if my intentions are pure.

    10)If you want to build relationships that matter, listen to his advice or his complaints. Find out what that person thinks, rather then telling her what you want.

    11)When a relationship doesn’t work out, move on. All you can do is reach out in the right way and let what happens happen. Exercise patience. You never know what’s going on in the other person’s life.

    12)Netgiving is all about building relationship that help others around you succeed. Networking is about winning friends and influencing people for personal gain. “How can I help? Not “What can I get?”

    13)We have to be authentic. It’s not a one-time act of kindness. You can’t fake it. It’s something people see in us when they are around us. It is one of the keys to successfully building genuine relationships. The other keys are humility, empathy, confidentiality, vulnerability, curiosity, generosity, humor and gratitude. These are the traits that touch on who you are and they giving meaning and purpose to what you do.
    Rating: 5 / 5

  5. Sean T. Kenny Says:

    Relationships are truly measured by more than what you get out of them. Tommy introduced a couple of new practices in the book, which can really get some legs. I was particularly impressed with the 5 floors, ROR (Return on Relationship) and netgiving. While they aren’t new concepts, it is refreshing to associate things we do under a differnt name. Best (non novel) book that I have read. Also, being a kid that grew up in Rockland, it was easy to relate to a lot of Tommy’s experiences in his youth.
    Rating: 5 / 5

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